An Observation from Beowulf

This post is a rambling of my train of thought, forgive me if it makes no sense.

I'm sitting here, alone on a Friday night, wondering what to do.  I could go to the movies, but it just seems like I'm paying for an escape of my own reality.  I'm tired of doing that though.  It is my go to move whenever I'm down. 

I need to be needed, and now I'm no longer needed in one of my areas of identity.  Someone has replaced me for filming high school football games on Friday nights.  I feel like part of me has been discarded.  Is this person better than me?  This is the thought that is running through my head right now.

I don't know who I am (truthfully I don't want to really look at who I am, because I don't like myself).  I've always tried to identify myself by the things I do.  I'm a student, a hard worker(of two jobs), an extremely amature camera guy, and most of all a Christian.  It's a whole lot easier to wear a persona than it is to be the true me. 

My biggest fear is that I won't be liked or accepted.  That I'll never fit in.  I've always tried to be what everyone else wants me to be and I'm getting tired of wearing all of these different versions of myself.  But what if people don't like who I am?

I've always stayed on the outside of things.  In one of my classes we are studying Beowulf and we were discussing the story from Grendel's point of view.  He's always on the outside looking in.  He's different and therefore not accepted by the Dane's at their mead hall.  Never did I think I would find some useful way to apply Beowulf to my life. but it looks like I have.  To everyone in the mead hall Grendel is a monster because he doesn't fit into their view of life.  He's an outsider who despises everything the mead hall life stands for.  He's a monster because he's different.

I don't want to be a Grendel.