Nothing Profound Found Here.

I usually only blog when I've got something on my mind, but tonight I thought I'd just try typing whatever flows out.  I'm horrible at journaling...I usually think out situations and the worse possible outcomes for each one and I then try to prepare myself for any one of the outcomes.  This creates a frustrating journal entry because they usually end up being one long incoherent mess.  I keep everything organized in my head that way no one will see the crazy that I call my thought process.

I've got friends who swear up and down that journaling is the way to go; it keeps them sane.  I figure I already know what I've got on my mind, why write it down?  I've got a memory equivalent to a pack of elephants.  I hold on to small details that don't mean much to anyone else.  I honestly don't know where this is going though.

I really wish I had something profound to say, something that you could take away and apply to your own life, something that matters.  But, tonight, like most of the time, I've got nothing.

A few days ago I tweeted something along the lines of "I know I don't matter to anyone, but it's nice to imagine I do every now and again."  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  I like to think the small things I do for people matter or make their day better.  I like to think that, but honestly I don't think many people even notice the small acts of kindness I try to show day in and day out.  Don't get me wrong, because I'm not doing it for attention.  I could care less about that.  I'm not doing it for recognition or any kind of praise.  I honestly just want to make someone's day better.

In the greater scheme of things I may not matter, but I'm still going to try to change at least a portion of someone's day everyday.  Who knows, it may make a difference?

SPIRITUAL GIFTS: Strength or Weakness?

Spiritual Gifts:  Are They Strengths or Weaknesses?

This thought has been going through my mind a lot here recently.  A lot of the Sunday School classes are going through a spiritual gifts study right now and I’ve always known what mine were, or at least in part.  A couple of weeks ago I took a survey to find out if what I thought matched up with the results I might get.  They did and it got to me. 

You see, I’ve neglected my gifts, or at least neglected using them properly.  I scored highest (in fact tied in scores) on Administration, Shepherding, and Exhortation.  The next highest scores were Teaching and Giving.

Now back to the strength/weakness aspect that I’ve been thinking on.  I’m a slight (well, really a major) control freak. I have been blessed with a major dose of common sense and logic.  I think things through, from multiple angles, and usually figure out the best way to do things (at least to me).  This is a valuable asset.   But, I tend to not always display great amounts of patience when things aren’t going how I’ve worked them out. If things aren’t going the way I’ve planned I tend to freak out.

This brings me to the gift of Exhortation.  This gift has great power, but in the words of Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben, with great power comes great responsibility.  In Proverbs 18:21 we are told that “The tongue has the power of life and death…”  When things aren’t going my way or how I’ve planned them out I tend to freak out and then start spewing hateful remarks out of my mouth.   

A while back God laid this verse on me as a meaning for what I’m supposed to do with my time on Earth.  Many of you may not believe me, but I got smart with God and asked him if he was really listening and if so for him to tell me what I was supposed to do.  I was driving around and it was like God was sitting in my passenger seat.  He told me clear as day that he wanted me to read Ephesians 4.  Now, I was in a kind of bad mood.  I kind of smugly asked him if he meant any particular verse.  And once again, clear as day, he said “12”.  I had never read this before.  I pulled over and opened my Bible.  It was an answer to my question.  “ To prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up…”  That was all it said, and that was all it needed to say.

I wish that I could say that since that day I’ve done just that, but I haven’t.  I’ve caused more damage by spewing negativity around because I wasn’t happy.  It’s not about me.  I’ve got to remind myself this daily.

I guess what I’m getting at in all of this is that I’ve been using these gifts the wrong way.  It takes a whole lot less energy and effort to just give in and not use them properly.  I’ve got to work at doing better.  I’m supposed to be preparing people to build up the body of Christ.  So far all I’ve done is tear it down. 

Are you administrative or just a control freak? 

Do you use the gift of Exhortation to build people up in their times of need or do you bring everyone around you down?

Do you Shepherd people in God’s ways and teach them Biblical truths or is your flock scattered and always being attacked by wolves?  

You gift is something amazing that God has given you.  He didn’t give it to you by accident.  He made you for a purpose.  The question is are you going to turn this gift into a weakness or a strength?

I’m weak…

This had me down and I began studying my Bible.  I came across 2 Corinthians 12:9-11.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

AMEN!

An Observation from Beowulf

This post is a rambling of my train of thought, forgive me if it makes no sense.

I'm sitting here, alone on a Friday night, wondering what to do.  I could go to the movies, but it just seems like I'm paying for an escape of my own reality.  I'm tired of doing that though.  It is my go to move whenever I'm down. 

I need to be needed, and now I'm no longer needed in one of my areas of identity.  Someone has replaced me for filming high school football games on Friday nights.  I feel like part of me has been discarded.  Is this person better than me?  This is the thought that is running through my head right now.

I don't know who I am (truthfully I don't want to really look at who I am, because I don't like myself).  I've always tried to identify myself by the things I do.  I'm a student, a hard worker(of two jobs), an extremely amature camera guy, and most of all a Christian.  It's a whole lot easier to wear a persona than it is to be the true me. 

My biggest fear is that I won't be liked or accepted.  That I'll never fit in.  I've always tried to be what everyone else wants me to be and I'm getting tired of wearing all of these different versions of myself.  But what if people don't like who I am?

I've always stayed on the outside of things.  In one of my classes we are studying Beowulf and we were discussing the story from Grendel's point of view.  He's always on the outside looking in.  He's different and therefore not accepted by the Dane's at their mead hall.  Never did I think I would find some useful way to apply Beowulf to my life. but it looks like I have.  To everyone in the mead hall Grendel is a monster because he doesn't fit into their view of life.  He's an outsider who despises everything the mead hall life stands for.  He's a monster because he's different.

I don't want to be a Grendel.

Another Fall, another load of classes

It's that time of the year again when everyone on Facebook starts talking about their classes starting up for the fall.  This is my 7th fall semester, and no I'm not going into the medical field.  I'm still struggling for my BA Degree. 

I've swtiched majors a couple of times(more like 5) and this has set me back.  I've always tried to take on more than I can handle, because for some reason I feel like I thrive under stress.  The older I get the more I realize that this stress that I put myself under causes me to be a person I don't like to be around.  It should come as no surprise that others don't like to be around me either.  But each semester I pile on more and more classes while trying to work two jobs.  I place myself in this situation therefore I have no reason to complain.

I read Psalms 62 today and verses 1 and 2 put me at ease.

 "¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
   my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
   he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

This semester I'm trying something new.  Before I get started in my classes(which start in a little over an hour) I'm turning them over to God.  I don't want to be shaken this go round.  I'm finally starting to see an ending to my college career, or at least I know what all I have left to take.  I wish I'd made this realization sooner, maybe things would have worked out better.

I'm trying to keep in mind that everything happens for His glory and that my journey so far hasn't been in vain, but starting today I'm going to try to make it worthwhile as I truly seek His will in this semester.  I hope you do too...

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With One Step

Well, I've decided to start up blogging again and really the only thing stopping me was the fact that I couldn't come up with a fancy title...that is until now.  I think "Standing at the Crossroads" is very fitting for me.  You see, I'm always standing at a crossroads in my life.  All of us are really and the path we chose sets up the direction our journey will take us.

If I were to say I constantly seek God's will for my life I would be lying.  I do try though.  God hasn't given up on me.  It's a learning process and I know I'll always be a student.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my past and I'm paying for them now.  I doubt that debt will ever be paid in full, but I did learn from those mistakes.

I've learned that everything can be used for the glory of God.  This one lesson has humbled me because I've had to tell people about mistakes I've made and how God pulled me out of them.  By sharing my experiences I hope to help others not make the same mistakes.

I'm not good at sharing myself with others and my writing is lack luster at best.  For that I apologize in advance.

This is my journey and if you care to travel down my road for awhile I hope that you'll find something you can take away that will be beneficial to you.  

God laid this verse on my heart a long time ago.  I asked him what I was supposed to do with my life and I wasn't really expecting an answer, but He answered me almost as if he were sitting in my passenger seat.  He gave me Ephesians 4:12 "to prepare God's people for works of service so that the body of Christ may be built up".

I don't know what that all entails, but I'm trying even though my attitude as of late isn't reflective of it.  That is my calling, and I don't want to let Him down.  I know I fail God daily, but his grace is new every morning.